(no subject)

Current weight 103.5
MUST be 95 by march.

Eaten today:

4 small pancakes with syrup = 350
1 bowl italian veggie soup = 140
2 rice cakes with jam = 200
Total so far 700

I've was 101.5 the other day and I've been eating well....why the fuck did I GAIN weight? ARGH!!!!!!!
maybe is was the salt in the soy sauce I had with my sushi? 

(no subject)

Intake so far? Half a granola bar twith 2 egg whites and one full egg with a bit of cheese. Hopefully that combination will keep me full and happy for a while!

(no subject)

No no no....no no no no no no no......This is not a good time...not for this...what is this? 

A few days ago I sent a guy whom I thought was my friend a msg on fb. Something obscure and work related, no big. Turns out, I had the wrong guy! The guy I msged and friended works with some of my friends though....we ended up msging back and forth....then texting back and forth....now I have a buddy for my upcomming snowboarding trip....and we talked all night....I feel happy :)

His name is Clint. 

Food wise was no good. I suddenly feel so out of control with my eating! I know some of it is due to me not really having any food and having to improvise. Can't wait to buy groceries! Come on payday!!! I checked yesterday morning and I'm still 99.5. That number HAS to go down!

Especially by this snowboarding trip! Think I can make it to 95 in 6 days? Lord I hope so! 

(no subject)

Ended up forgetting my lunch yesterday and subsisted on some beef jerkey, honey-mustard pretzels, a kit kat bar and a peanut butter cup. Would have been happy if it hadn't been for the stupid kit kat bar. 

An old friend, whom I've only ever had platonic feelings for asked me out last night, via text. He lives at least 6 hrs away. Then this morning tells me his uncle died. 

No booze for another 4 days.

Don't feel like cleaning. 

Ate half a granola bar and half a small potato with cheese and sour cream for breakfast. Lunch will be Ramen and dinner will be beef jerkey. 

(no subject)

So I think I'm finally getting the hang of this whole 'being all alone' thing. Normally I would be going crazy trying to find someone to talk to or to be around...now I'm finally feeling like: Wait...you mean big brother isn't watching? You mean I can drink all night, not clean and take 50,000 naps? really? 

That means Last night wasn't totally bad. Couldn't get Deron to come over but at least he called and we talked for an hour or so. I really don't like it when he talks about things he and his ex/girl/best friend/best friends girl do. He tells me stories about how they all go out together and have a great time. Makes me sooooo jealous! I've had a guy take me out once in the past 2 years. I can't go out with Deron because I'm his 'dirty little secret' because I used to go out with his best friend who treated me horribly. *sigh* oh well. 

Finally got the courage to weigh myself: 99.5 lbs. At least I'm still under 100. Let's get to 95 and see where we go from there. so far today I've had about 200 calories of oatmeal. Thinking ramen (300) for lunch and Idk what I'm going to do for dinner. Skip it, probably.

Can't wait for this next weekend. Gonna take a solo snowboarding trip. Can't wait to zip through that fresh powder.  

(no subject)

Wow, actually slept for almost 8 hours! That's huge for me since I usually can't sleep for more than two or four hours striaght. Had the weirdest dream in the world! Beter write it down before I forget:

I was a new circus performer in Cirque du Soleil. I had a boyfriend and together we had a mutual friend (guy). 
There was a huge issue of fake eyelashes between the ringleader and everyone. Everyone thought wearing them was no big deal but they brought up bad memories for the ringleader and at her command I wasn't alowed to wear them because she says I didn't need to be fake an I was beautiful just how I was. But I did paint glittery eyelashes around my face as part of my stage makeup. I was some sort of trapeeze artist....

There was also some sort of act with swinging plastic bags through the air in a rythmic way. My BF was in the audience (the only one) durring rehersal, as he always was. 

I was dirt poor. We were all in the mall food court and I stole two pieces of pizza. I was actually happy and content with my life. Some weird old lady walking past our booth asked me to tell my BF in a dream he was her killer and he was a pirate. 

Same old lady tried to strike up an hours long texting conversation with me and was disapointed when I said no. 

Someone kidnapped my BF and tourned him for weeks in the tunnels under the city and me and the friend rescued him. 

Yeah....maybe I should cut back on the rum befrore I sleep? 

A text from a friend woke me; he needed some advice. I'm trying not to have such an emotional connection to people anymore and I'm quite content with my relationship to this friend: I'm the one he immediately goes to for advice, which makes me feel good. At the same time, I've never opened up to him at all which makes me feel strong. 

Foodwise I just ate two eggs (fried in a litte butter) with cheese and half a fist-sized red potato with sour cream. It's a lot of food but I feel like since it was all home cooked that it's ok. But if I had eaten half a little debbie cake (which would have had less calories than my meal) I would feel worse. Logical? Hell no. So I'm weird. I haven't weighed myself in a long time like I said before, so I'm a little nervous to. I'm going to put it off some more....

One on last note...I thought I saw a shadow moving around the foot of my bed before I slept....and this was the first time i've had such vivid dreams in a long time. Creepy....

(no subject)

Wow, it's been so long. Over a year. 

I'm not going to try and recap a whole year. That's not really my style, so suffice to say I have a lot of hanging out friends for once in my life, but only one true person I feel close to: Deron. He's my best friend, my lover, my sensai, my fuck buddy, my.....idk....Deron. Our relationship is weird, but then again we're both weird people. He's a borderline alcoholic cynic commedian with a prince albert and $400 starchild costume. I'm...well, this is supposed to be a short post lol. 

Not really sure what I'm doing here, but I always find myself back here in times of lonliness or need. My weight is very low (high 90s last time I checked) and I'm not obssesing about it too much. Havent even had the urge to weigh myself in a good week or two. I'm eating well, just watching what I put in my stomach like I think most women do. I have found a new love of snowboarding. That's all I suppose. 

I think, since I've been comming here off and on for 5 years that it's just out of habbit. Or maybe me wanting to come here and post again is an early sign of another relapse. We'll have to see what happens, now, won't we? 

(no subject)

 Why do I have to love my friends so much? I'm sick of hurting the people I love. I won't have any more of this. 

You know, we never truly recover. Everyone says we 'have' a disorder, but that's not really true, is it? To say we 'have' it makes it seem like it's just something we're carrying around for a while. Like you 'have' a purse or a pillow. But it never goes away. It's much more correct to say we ARE disordered. Yes, part of our brains is malfunctioning and no, it can never be fully fixed. It's always back there, weather it's acting up or not. You can never escape it. 

107.5 lbs. 

My goal is 10 lbs in two weeks. 

I'm only allowed to weigh myself on sundays. 

(no subject)

 Bad day gone worse. 

Went to dinner and joy! They had grilled chicken breast and steamed broccoli, carrots, green peppers and onions! Which is what I got. So I sat down at a table with Kevin and some friends. They started dicussing a hotel party that happened last weekend and the fact that a girl was raped there was brought up. They were laughing about it, acting it out, ect. I felt so numb inside. My flood looked disgusting. I literally hadn't even tasted it yet (I had been cutting up the chicken). I just kinda sat there until Kevin was done. He was in on the 'fun' too even though I had told him I had been raped not long before joining the AF. He told me later he forgot and is currently beating himself up for it. 

No dinner. Still feel numb. I'm such a disgusting fatass.